I know I told you guys that things have been rough in our house. Well, we don't get to see Shea as much as we used to anymore. We get her on Wednesdays and every other weekend. She used to be here every other day. I know. Tears. Sadness. Aching chest. That is our life around here. Ugh. My heart breaks. It breaks for me, but more for Trevor and Shea. 

The hardest part is that now that Shea is not here as often, I feel like I am intruding on time that Trevor and Shea should be spending together. As if my presence somehow makes their time together less special. Neither one of them has given me a reason to feel that way, I just can't help it. I want them to be happy so badly, and I can see that they aren't. It isn't because of me- it is because of the new schedule, but I still feel like I should leave them alone. So, I try to back off. I try to leave to go to the grocery store, or have them go grab dinner together and just bring something back for me. You know, because, "Oh, I have to get this and that done anyhow- you two go ahead!" It doesn't always work- Shea is usually quick with a suggestion of how we could all just do things together if I did X and Y later, and she helps when we get home, and Daddy can do this and that while we do X and Y. So, we do things together and I'm happy about it. I just like to give them (Trevor) the option of time alone with Shea. 

Really, I would love for it to be how it was 6 weeks ago. I wish everyone could be happy with that situation, but that isn't the case, so the lives of everyone got changed. 


Also, I've heard, "You're not my MOM," a few times in these past 6 weeks. No doy, kiddo. That's what I say. "No doy! I don't have any kids. That's why I boss you and Bella and your dad and the cat and the dog around!" Just joking. But I do say, "Of course I'm not your mom. I'm your friend. Your friend who is way bigger than you, and can put pepper in your sandwiches." Nah. I don't say that either. I just worry that brushing it off isn't the right thing. I mean, I acknowledge it in a silly way. Something like, "I know you are not my child. All of MY children have platypus faces." Or "No kidding! I'm too old to be a mother! I'm 97 years old!" Or, "You're not MY mom!" She laughs and I don't make a big deal of it. She always pulls that card when she is testing my grit, ya know? Like, how far is this woman going to go with this eating my carrots biz? The answer is: Not far. I can refuse anything that involves me having to perform a task. I don't cut crusts off (never have- the poor children I nanny learn that early on). I don't tie shoes unless we're in a super hurry. But I won't force her to do anything.

I love Shea. I love Trevor. I want to be happy again. I feel like if life continues this way, I never will be. Even if it somehow starts to sting less- if the memory of how good it was when Shea was happy all the time starts to fade, and this new situation is all we have ever known- There will still be a part of me that will be sad. I have considered therapy. Trevor has looked into grief counseling. Things are bad. I wish every day that this will get better. That I will be able to fall asleep without thinking about how sad it is that Shea has been pulled out of her home, that Trevor won't have to go to work knowing that he won't see his daughter for a week. I wanted to cry while I made her lunch today. I wanted to cry when she hugged me hard because we won't see her for 7 days. Shea, of course, doesn't know that I feel that way. To her I said, "Aw! We don't have to be bummed! I'll see you SO soon!" But my heart felt as sad as her lower lip looked. 

I wish there was something I could do. What can I do? I am seriously seeking advice here. How will I know that I will feel better? How much energy will I have given to being angry and sad by the time this is settled? And when it IS "settled," the chances are high that it still won't be as good as it was before. How will I cope with that?  

I am sad. I am desperate to stay the person I was before this. I am determined to keep from growing bitter. I will work to keep my integrity intact- to never lie to get what I want, to never steal from anyone. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the memory of the person I was before I knew I could be this angry.

Shea-centric

Ahhhhhhh...(sigh of contentment). Just got done with a lil' ebay shopping. *finger stretch* I was buying some clothes for little girl Shea face. Wonderful feelings flood me when I pay way less than full price for new (with tags) Gap jeans for kiddos. I win, World! I got what I wanted AND I didn't spend a fortune! Those wonderful hours at work (I love my job) are worth it! Long runs and big pictures FTW (that means For The Win if you are over 50 and reading my blog).

Shea needs new clothes. We are overhauling her room, you see, complete with purple walls befitting a 6 year old and a new (to us- $50 on craigslist) loft bed to sleep on. The mattress is not from craigslist. I feel like I have to clarify that. Anyway, went through all of her clothes and took out anything that is too small or hasn't been touched in a year. Now she needs new clothes. Why am I telling you this, you ask? Because it is enthralling, of course! Captivating, even! Money is being spent, but money is ALSO being saved! We're big on stretching dollars around here. We talk about it almost constantly as of late. 


We DID splurge on Wednesday night, however. Wednesday night was the one year mark of the sweet series of successes that is the Vanessa-and-Trevor Story. That's right. One year. It was a Shea night (thank goodness for Shea nights. I wish every night was a Shea night), so all 3 of us got good and gussied up. Dresses and lip gloss for the ladies, slacks and buttons for the gentleman. Our original plan was to go to Maggiano's, because Trevor has a gift card and that sort of thing is right up our alley. However, we called and there was a wait of an hour and a half, so we went with plan B. Plan B, we told Shea, was dinner at a place called The Vegetable Hut. They serve mainly broccoli and also all kinds of asparagus. All of the dishes featured a strong pepper taste. I tried to keep the charade up even as we walked through the door to The Cheesecake Factory (an earlier vote from Shea), but she figured us out. She was pretty pumped. She got to choose the cheesecake we shared- the Reese's one. Yum. She didn't know it was any kind of anniversary or anything. She was just into getting dressed up for dinner.






 

Happiness

Things have been rough in our home. I won't go into detail, because it isn't my story to tell, but I am really searching hard for the light at the end of the tunnel. Trevor and I are still doing extraordinarily well as partners. No problems there. He is the best man I've ever met, hands down. A wonderful dad, a smart guy. He makes me laugh on a daily basis. He is honest and capable. I hope that I make him as happy as he makes me. I think that, in his honor, I will write a list of the things that keep me going right now:

- Harv-man, our new doggie. He is a terrier/something (or maybe just a terrier). His full name is Harvard (Harvey) Felix Archibald Cable Bryden. What a stinker.

- Movies - We have a projector for a TV. We watch huge movies on it since we don't have cable. It is alllllmost like getting out of the house. Since money will probably be short around here for a long while, free projector dates really take the cake.You can get some great used flicks for just $3.00 at Rasputin!

- The future - I am so hopeful that one day, I will feel better. I think I have to be. I don't actually believe it right now, but I am hanging onto the idea that I will believe it.

- Honesty - I know that I am an honest person. I know that I try my best. I know that I help when I can, and that I am honest with myself about my own needs as well. I can also count on Trevor to be completely honest at all times. It makes communication so much easier.

There. Wasn't that kind of annoying since I didn't spill all of my beans? If I thought it would do any good, I would have. Anyway, here's to going to work, leaving early to see Shea's winter program and then taking Harvey to the dog park! 

I ate popcorn (cooked on the stove, not in the mocrowave) and some Babybel cheese for breakfast. Washed it down with some sparkling cranberry juice that seems to have just as much sugar as soda....whoops. Anyway. It is my day off. In the middle of the week, I get my weekend. Usually I work 3.5 days a week- 28 hours. This doesn't count the babysitting I do for friends or the errand running I do for Mother Margie, or the household chores. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are my full shifts, and on Friday nights I work 4 hours. For my job, I am grateful.

Changes so far

We came up with a dinner menu for this week

Here's the story. We get home at 6 or 6:30. Most times (as in, when you don't plan what you're cooking) it is just easier to go down the road and order from someone else. However- with our handy dandy menu, we are saving money and spending more time chilling at en la casa. Muy bien. 

Trevor and I split the cost of $135 for food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I usually spend about $15/day at least on eating, and that is just when I buy my lunch and breakfast. Throw dinner in there, and that adds $20 to the mix. To be honest, I can see myself spending $30-$40 per day on food. That is between $210 and $280.....per week. For just myself. BUT! This week I have only spent $100 when you count the extra taco fixins I bought because our friend Aaron saw our menu and wanted to come over for taco night. Score! I love feeding my friends. I'm Italian. 

Anyhow, this meal planning is a new thing for me, and for Trevor. He's still buying breakfast and lunch every day, so I'm totally winning the money saving competition that I didn't tell him this was. 

Added benefits of meal planning- 

I had a ton of energy at work yesterday. I am attributing that to a healthy meal of chicken and squash in a lemon sauce the night before.

Portion control is much easier when we choose how much we cook. We are not faced with a huge meal that we feel bad wasting....and even if we don't finish it, I am much more inclined to eat our own leftovers rather than stuff from a restaurant. 

The quality is en pointe. We are both good cooks, if I do say so myself. Anything we have made has been more delicious than what we have ordered in a restaurant in the past. Shea might not agree with me on this, but that is because we don't make her pancakes for dinner or serve mac and cheese every night.

The biggest advantage to dinners at home is feeling like we actually get to spend time together in our own little place for a while. I think it kind of wears on me to get home from work and go straight out again to a restaurant. I often feel rushed when we're getting ready for bedtime. Not that I'm frantic, just a tinge of "I want us to be hanging out, not trying to get dishes done and homework finished before scurrying off to bed." Now we get to enjoy each other more. It is a huge bonus.  You should come over for dinner sometime!

Bulges and bargains

I have decided to lose 20 lbs. Like, for reals. As Trevor said this morning, "That's a quarter of your body weight!" And I mean, he's right OF COURSE, so it will be really hard. Getting down to 3/4 of my body weight has always been a goal of mine. But for reals, I am ridiculous with myself. I have body image dysmorphia in that I think I am smaller than I am. I bought all of these awesome skirts at The Salvation Army (50% off all clothes and shoes every Wednesday! And 50% the ENTIRE STORE every last Wednesday of the month), and I just eyeballed them thinking, "Yep- these will fit....they're SKIRTS." Nope. They did NOT fit. In return, they will be punished by being sold on ebay. 

This decision to lose weight is seriously an exercise in frugality. I don't WANT to buy new clothes, and the amount of money I spend on food is silly. Out of the $12,000.00 I make weekly, $19,456.00 has been going towards food. By banishing the restaurant route, I hope to whittle my waist down by 24 inches (leaving me with a 2 inch waist). 

The worst part is when I see pictures of me taken from behind and I think- Ew. I also could not run from anything to save my life. I would get caught and eaten. My muscles are piddly and weak. Sometimes I give up on opening jars. This has NEVER been an issue. I thought I could just coast by....I've never had a baby, so I'm ahead of the game! I don't have to do ANYTHING differently! Wrong, folks. Wrong.

Anyway, so that's what's up with that. 

Here is one of the skirts I bought for $2.20 yesterday:

And a pair of boots for $3.50. 

 

No Soda update

It is day 10 of my sodaless life. I have had a few people ask me if I'm losing weight. The answer is no, but my body looks better since it isn't AS full of sugar and sodium and bubbles. I think that for about 3 months straight, my guts were mainly a salt lick covered in fizzy sounds.

I blew it last night- but that is because I had Arby's for dinner, and I could not see anything without carbonation except for pink lemonade, which does not tickle my fancy. Much to Trevor's chagrin (he really likes rooting for me), I got half sierra mist, half soda water. But! Moving forward! I am about to go run. I figure that makes up for it.

Stats: 
Weight loss- 0lbs
Happiness level- more happier
Headaches- Only one this whole 10 days
I hate using the word bloated for myself....so I'll say fluffiness.
Fluffiness- Way down
 
I know you're all like, "No DUH, Vanessa. Everyone knows that soda is bad for you!" And to that I reply- Just let me document whatever I want!

I wrote the following yesterday:

Headaches. They started out painful and got worse, and have been consistent for a few weeks. Every day I get one. So yesterday, as I was crying on my way home from work about how much my head hurt, I decided to make some danged changes. 

1) NO. MORE. SODA. For reals. Sheesh. Headaches are almost instantaneous when I start to drink the stuff, and yet- I still drank it. Well, forget it, bod. You're done with soda. YOU ARE ON RESTRICTION!

2)Packing my lunch, eating breakfast at home. Much easier to keep track of what I eat this way and find out if my headaches are affected by my diet. 

Yeah. Simple, I know. I'll keep you updated. So far, I have not had a soda today. I ate some scrambled eggs, potatoes and sourdough bread for breakfast. I also had an iced tea so the caffeine shut down wouldn't create more of an issue with my headbones. I went to the grocery store and bought some lunch stuff. As a generally happy person, it is very frustrating to be brought down by headaches daily. I miss out on fun! Even if I'm participating, I'm not all the way into it. It's kind of amazing how I've learned to just live with it. Like it's normal to take ibuprofen every day between 4 and 6?  No way. Not anymore. 

-----------------------------------------------
I am glad to say that I did not get a headache on my zero soda day #1. Gonna stick with it. I do not drink Coke anymore. So happy to have energy and feel well.


I didn't post that post yesterday because it seems like a weird thing to post. It still kind of does, but I'll share it with you anyhow.

Zzzzzzzz

I had a dream last night that I was talking with Stefan Lessard, the bassist for The Dave Matthews Band, and we were having a friendly little conversation. Then, my phone rang and it was Dave Matthews himself. There was no polite way to walk away from the conversation with Stefan, so Dave said he'd call me back in a few. And he totally did. We talked for one while. Dream score!

(BFFs)

Call me....

Halloweenies

Oh, the festivities!

Pumpkin patching in San Martin.

I went with these two sweetie pies:

In addition to picking (huge) pumpkins, this patch touted a variety of activities such as:

A pumpkin blaster. This is a gun that shoots tiny pumpkins at targets.

Trevor was alllll 'bout it-'bout it. Shea got into it, too. 

They had a carousel which the owner had purchased for his 16 year old daughter named Sydney. I asked Trevor if he had gotten HIS daughter Sydney a carousel yet, and he said he has two more years 'til she's 16. I think, though, that if he REALLY wants to buy her a carousel for her 16th birthday, I will tactfully steer him towards purchasing her a car or an awesome computer or something sparkly. What kind of 16 year old wants a carousel? But I digress!

Those two. Boy, they really warm my heart.

Here are the Pumpkin Queens. I swear Shea likes me. 

We picked out three mammoth gourds and took them home for carving.

Shea did the spider, I carved the goblin and Trevor carved Mickey. Our jack-o-lanterns were very well received. The trick or treaters LOVED them. 

We were invited to a Halloween Party on Saturday night, and we spent all day making our costumes. Trevor's mom came along to help pick out fabric and design the costumes. She and Shea sewed Shea's skirt together while Trevor and I ran around looking for cowprint. One of my favorite days ever. All of my days are becoming my favorite days ever. I'm a lucky girl.

Here we are all gussied up- Woody, Jessie and Bo Peep.

Party time:

By the way, Shea's Bo Peep bonnet is a Dollar Tree cowboy hat cut in half.

Avery is so cute that I can't even stand it.

Jess, Adam and Hayden:

We spent our Halloween evening passing out candy to the kiddos. Hung some spooky lights and lit some spooky candles and waited in the front yard for the spooky goblins to come calling. It was a good night. Happy Halloween!