Some nights, I can't sleep....and I know its okay, and that night time is just hard every once in a while, but I have to remind myself of the beautiful things in my life while I'm at it.
My friend, come stand beside me
Lately, I'm feeling so lost
A flood came and washed the stones of the path away
And a hot sun turned the mud to dust
Calling the sheep in for the evening
There's a voice, calls above the howling wind
It says comes rest beside my little fire
We'll ride out the storm that's coming in
My friend, you know me and my family
You've seen us wandering through these times
You've seen us in weakness and in power
You've seen us forgetful and unkind
All that I want is one who knows me
A kind hand on my face when I weep
And I'd give back these things I know are meaningless
For a little fire beside me when I sleep
All that I want is one who knows me
A kind hand on my face when I weep
And I'd give back these things I know are meaningless
A feeling I got this morning implored me to take my make up bag to work. I don't usually take my make up anywhere unless I'm spending the night, and usually not even then, really. I don't ignore the feelings, though. The morning my Uncle Sam took his last ride, I woke up with a heavy feeling in my heart. I was frantic, and something told me to get up, get ready, be prepared to be out and about. I couldn't hesitate, even though I hadn't planned on being in any particular placethat morning. A short time after putting my shoes on, my mom called me and asked me to go straight to Uncle Sam's and see if he was there.....we had gotten a strange call, and she was wondering if his bike was gone. It was, and so was he. I was ready to go to family.
This morning at work, I got a call from my manager, who you might recognize from her other roles in my life, such as: cousin. Our boss, the owner, George, had passed away at 11:00 am. It wasn't sudden, but it still smarts, and my heart is broken for the co-workers I am still learning who are so devoted to such a boss. My mascara needed re-applying after dealing with those feelings. What strikes me the most about where I work is the bond between those who spend their time there. It is a special thing. George will be missed. He was a great man, and he fostered the atmosphere of the place so many people call their home away from home.
To quote The Caravan's official words:
Next beer or cocktail you have, where ever you might be, please raise your glass and look to the sky and smile for George. RIP George. It's been a pleasure, my dear friend.
As I type, Priscilla is sleeping, the dogs are worried about something and Rico is installing our new garage door opener. What a day, and not even 10 am!
Still not feeling top notch. Do you want me to whine about that some more? Because I can. Maybe I should go to this gym and get the sickies worked out of me, and perhaps get some knitting done as well:
Got that from Jezebel.com. Don't visit if you are not a foul mouthed feminist.
2.5 hours until it is time to pick Priscilla up! I'm bummed that, all of a sudden, I feel feverish and achy and way tired. Uh oh. We'll just say I'm too excited to see my friend. Stay tuned for updates.
........And........
Have you ever listened to this song?
If only she would write a song explaining what the "right thing" is. Or maybe that's my job. Who knows?
I should be organizing to make room for my bff Priscilla right now. She is visiting this weekend. We're a little jam packed here right now, on account of my two lovely cousins moving right on in with us. So happy they are here. Isabella is a ton more insane that I had originally known. She is also a very committed hider. She'll wait for 20 minutes for someone to notice she's not making any noise and go find her. She pulled the ol' pillows under the blanket trick on me a couple days ago. I snuck in, quietly, to her room, grabbed the corner of the blanket really carefully, then WHAM! Ripped it off! Only....no Bella, just pillows. She was hiding under a pile of clothes right next to the bed. Super committed.It had been a good ten minutes.
This is her blocking my Margie in her room with a mattress. Funny kid.
By the way, she was so glad her grey sweatshirt matched her grey leggings perfectly. I love her so much.
Here are our feet in each other's shoes. Mine look weird and short, and someone must have put argyle socks on me when I wasn't looking.
And here is Bella with the first thing she moved in......a gumball machine.
Here is her mother and I, just for reference.
So now I need to get up and go organize. Apparently my mother and I just shove a bunch of stuff into our guest room and forget about it. It allllll came out when the cousins moved in, and now I have like 8 prom dresses I have no clue what to do with. There are also boxes of odds and ends, like broken pencils and old cell phones. Also, really old pictures. Case in point:
This is me. The medium is yarn, or something. I am immortalized in string. And don't think anyone forgot about Olan Mills.....
My favorite is this big bunch of Italians that I love so very dearly. My mom and her siblings, circa 1987.
Now that I think this blog post may be nearing its end, I need to go do some things. Perhaps that organizing I spoke of.
I have this weird fear that people can see everything I say. Everything I type, every private message, every text. I worry that there is some sort of program that one can purchase so they can see what I think I'm keeping a secret between a couple girlfriends, or with my mom, or whoever! So while I worry that I'm coming off as completely nuts (to the person reading my musings), it occurs to me only occasionally that if someone had the means, time and energy to do what I'm so convinced of.....THEY would be the one who is nuts. Oh, man.
(It should also be said that I thought my Bart Simpson shaped soap could actually see me naked in the tub as a child.)
I've already posted about resolutions, but I think I need a new set. Something a little more thought out. I'm sprinting in a million different directions, and it is hard, and it hurts. Time to pare down. Time to shrink this bubble of uncontrollables that seems to hover over my life, ready to pop and shower me in worries. I don't want to end up crazy. I really don't. It scares me to the point of ...writing a blog about it, I guess.
Here we go:
No more facebook/twitter/chatting. Cutting myself off for a while. Email is fine, phone calls are fine....I'll even be holding back on texting. This does not mean I don't want to hear from anyone. Quite the opposite! I'd love 10 emails a day, or a nice chat on the cellular when you have a minute. I just can't use these things as some weird portal out of whatever I'm doing all the time. Paying closer attention to the moments I find myself in will, hopefully, give me a greater appreciation of what I do have in my life. I'm feeling a little ungrateful lately, wanting things I can't have. That needs to stop before I go completely nuts, since there is nothing about it that I can control. Sad sad sad.
No more drinks when I get off of work, no more drinks at home.
Scrutinize and evaluate the worth of my relationships. I'm not aiming to cut ties, I just need a clear idea of what I mean to the people I devote my time to.
I guess all of those boil down to living in my reality and not over reaching for things out of my grasp. I'll just try to be a good daughter, friend, niece, cousin, etc....and I'll know that making the people I love happy will usually make me happy.
She finds her way in
Clouded and dreaming
To the quiet, a thousand years ago, where they laid
Inside she runs
He is not sleeping
If she wanted to make it right, she'd find a way
The touch says more
When nobody's asking
Every rain soaked night sees those who love this way
Roll up tight
In a sliver of morning
If he wanted to make it right, he'd find a way
It's so hard
To be so tiring
Confidence, confidence- what stands in your way?
Just lay low, it says, my darling
We'll get better
This one wasn't our day
It isn't much
A crumb for a cookie
And the one thing they gave will rest in the place that he made
Maybe when they're gone
Someone will say
When they wanted to make it right, they found a way
It's so hard
To be so tiring
Confidence, confidence- what stands in your way?
Just lay low, it says, my darling
We'll get better
This one wasn't our day
Well, here we go, 2011. You are here, all pretty and shiny and new. And rainy, which you KNOW I love. Special little year o' mine.
That's called positive thinking, folks. I make resolutions like it's my job. I wake up with wild ideas like, "Starting today, I'm never going to blink more than 10 times a minute AGAIN!" I dunno, I feel like I need restrictions to really enjoy the good things in life. I was baptized Catholic.
I'd love to stop being aware of when I'm an outsider. How do I do that? Sometimes, I just don't belong. I'd love to stop drinking so much soda....that's an easy one.
I'd love to be strong.
I'd love to stop getting on my mother's case all the time. I'm usually joking....she's usually not realizing that.
