Shea-centric

Ahhhhhhh...(sigh of contentment). Just got done with a lil' ebay shopping. *finger stretch* I was buying some clothes for little girl Shea face. Wonderful feelings flood me when I pay way less than full price for new (with tags) Gap jeans for kiddos. I win, World! I got what I wanted AND I didn't spend a fortune! Those wonderful hours at work (I love my job) are worth it! Long runs and big pictures FTW (that means For The Win if you are over 50 and reading my blog).

Shea needs new clothes. We are overhauling her room, you see, complete with purple walls befitting a 6 year old and a new (to us- $50 on craigslist) loft bed to sleep on. The mattress is not from craigslist. I feel like I have to clarify that. Anyway, went through all of her clothes and took out anything that is too small or hasn't been touched in a year. Now she needs new clothes. Why am I telling you this, you ask? Because it is enthralling, of course! Captivating, even! Money is being spent, but money is ALSO being saved! We're big on stretching dollars around here. We talk about it almost constantly as of late. 


We DID splurge on Wednesday night, however. Wednesday night was the one year mark of the sweet series of successes that is the Vanessa-and-Trevor Story. That's right. One year. It was a Shea night (thank goodness for Shea nights. I wish every night was a Shea night), so all 3 of us got good and gussied up. Dresses and lip gloss for the ladies, slacks and buttons for the gentleman. Our original plan was to go to Maggiano's, because Trevor has a gift card and that sort of thing is right up our alley. However, we called and there was a wait of an hour and a half, so we went with plan B. Plan B, we told Shea, was dinner at a place called The Vegetable Hut. They serve mainly broccoli and also all kinds of asparagus. All of the dishes featured a strong pepper taste. I tried to keep the charade up even as we walked through the door to The Cheesecake Factory (an earlier vote from Shea), but she figured us out. She was pretty pumped. She got to choose the cheesecake we shared- the Reese's one. Yum. She didn't know it was any kind of anniversary or anything. She was just into getting dressed up for dinner.






 

Happiness

Things have been rough in our home. I won't go into detail, because it isn't my story to tell, but I am really searching hard for the light at the end of the tunnel. Trevor and I are still doing extraordinarily well as partners. No problems there. He is the best man I've ever met, hands down. A wonderful dad, a smart guy. He makes me laugh on a daily basis. He is honest and capable. I hope that I make him as happy as he makes me. I think that, in his honor, I will write a list of the things that keep me going right now:

- Harv-man, our new doggie. He is a terrier/something (or maybe just a terrier). His full name is Harvard (Harvey) Felix Archibald Cable Bryden. What a stinker.

- Movies - We have a projector for a TV. We watch huge movies on it since we don't have cable. It is alllllmost like getting out of the house. Since money will probably be short around here for a long while, free projector dates really take the cake.You can get some great used flicks for just $3.00 at Rasputin!

- The future - I am so hopeful that one day, I will feel better. I think I have to be. I don't actually believe it right now, but I am hanging onto the idea that I will believe it.

- Honesty - I know that I am an honest person. I know that I try my best. I know that I help when I can, and that I am honest with myself about my own needs as well. I can also count on Trevor to be completely honest at all times. It makes communication so much easier.

There. Wasn't that kind of annoying since I didn't spill all of my beans? If I thought it would do any good, I would have. Anyway, here's to going to work, leaving early to see Shea's winter program and then taking Harvey to the dog park! 

I ate popcorn (cooked on the stove, not in the mocrowave) and some Babybel cheese for breakfast. Washed it down with some sparkling cranberry juice that seems to have just as much sugar as soda....whoops. Anyway. It is my day off. In the middle of the week, I get my weekend. Usually I work 3.5 days a week- 28 hours. This doesn't count the babysitting I do for friends or the errand running I do for Mother Margie, or the household chores. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are my full shifts, and on Friday nights I work 4 hours. For my job, I am grateful.

Changes so far

We came up with a dinner menu for this week

Here's the story. We get home at 6 or 6:30. Most times (as in, when you don't plan what you're cooking) it is just easier to go down the road and order from someone else. However- with our handy dandy menu, we are saving money and spending more time chilling at en la casa. Muy bien. 

Trevor and I split the cost of $135 for food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I usually spend about $15/day at least on eating, and that is just when I buy my lunch and breakfast. Throw dinner in there, and that adds $20 to the mix. To be honest, I can see myself spending $30-$40 per day on food. That is between $210 and $280.....per week. For just myself. BUT! This week I have only spent $100 when you count the extra taco fixins I bought because our friend Aaron saw our menu and wanted to come over for taco night. Score! I love feeding my friends. I'm Italian. 

Anyhow, this meal planning is a new thing for me, and for Trevor. He's still buying breakfast and lunch every day, so I'm totally winning the money saving competition that I didn't tell him this was. 

Added benefits of meal planning- 

I had a ton of energy at work yesterday. I am attributing that to a healthy meal of chicken and squash in a lemon sauce the night before.

Portion control is much easier when we choose how much we cook. We are not faced with a huge meal that we feel bad wasting....and even if we don't finish it, I am much more inclined to eat our own leftovers rather than stuff from a restaurant. 

The quality is en pointe. We are both good cooks, if I do say so myself. Anything we have made has been more delicious than what we have ordered in a restaurant in the past. Shea might not agree with me on this, but that is because we don't make her pancakes for dinner or serve mac and cheese every night.

The biggest advantage to dinners at home is feeling like we actually get to spend time together in our own little place for a while. I think it kind of wears on me to get home from work and go straight out again to a restaurant. I often feel rushed when we're getting ready for bedtime. Not that I'm frantic, just a tinge of "I want us to be hanging out, not trying to get dishes done and homework finished before scurrying off to bed." Now we get to enjoy each other more. It is a huge bonus.  You should come over for dinner sometime!

Bulges and bargains

I have decided to lose 20 lbs. Like, for reals. As Trevor said this morning, "That's a quarter of your body weight!" And I mean, he's right OF COURSE, so it will be really hard. Getting down to 3/4 of my body weight has always been a goal of mine. But for reals, I am ridiculous with myself. I have body image dysmorphia in that I think I am smaller than I am. I bought all of these awesome skirts at The Salvation Army (50% off all clothes and shoes every Wednesday! And 50% the ENTIRE STORE every last Wednesday of the month), and I just eyeballed them thinking, "Yep- these will fit....they're SKIRTS." Nope. They did NOT fit. In return, they will be punished by being sold on ebay. 

This decision to lose weight is seriously an exercise in frugality. I don't WANT to buy new clothes, and the amount of money I spend on food is silly. Out of the $12,000.00 I make weekly, $19,456.00 has been going towards food. By banishing the restaurant route, I hope to whittle my waist down by 24 inches (leaving me with a 2 inch waist). 

The worst part is when I see pictures of me taken from behind and I think- Ew. I also could not run from anything to save my life. I would get caught and eaten. My muscles are piddly and weak. Sometimes I give up on opening jars. This has NEVER been an issue. I thought I could just coast by....I've never had a baby, so I'm ahead of the game! I don't have to do ANYTHING differently! Wrong, folks. Wrong.

Anyway, so that's what's up with that. 

Here is one of the skirts I bought for $2.20 yesterday:

And a pair of boots for $3.50. 

 

No Soda update

It is day 10 of my sodaless life. I have had a few people ask me if I'm losing weight. The answer is no, but my body looks better since it isn't AS full of sugar and sodium and bubbles. I think that for about 3 months straight, my guts were mainly a salt lick covered in fizzy sounds.

I blew it last night- but that is because I had Arby's for dinner, and I could not see anything without carbonation except for pink lemonade, which does not tickle my fancy. Much to Trevor's chagrin (he really likes rooting for me), I got half sierra mist, half soda water. But! Moving forward! I am about to go run. I figure that makes up for it.

Stats: 
Weight loss- 0lbs
Happiness level- more happier
Headaches- Only one this whole 10 days
I hate using the word bloated for myself....so I'll say fluffiness.
Fluffiness- Way down
 
I know you're all like, "No DUH, Vanessa. Everyone knows that soda is bad for you!" And to that I reply- Just let me document whatever I want!

I wrote the following yesterday:

Headaches. They started out painful and got worse, and have been consistent for a few weeks. Every day I get one. So yesterday, as I was crying on my way home from work about how much my head hurt, I decided to make some danged changes. 

1) NO. MORE. SODA. For reals. Sheesh. Headaches are almost instantaneous when I start to drink the stuff, and yet- I still drank it. Well, forget it, bod. You're done with soda. YOU ARE ON RESTRICTION!

2)Packing my lunch, eating breakfast at home. Much easier to keep track of what I eat this way and find out if my headaches are affected by my diet. 

Yeah. Simple, I know. I'll keep you updated. So far, I have not had a soda today. I ate some scrambled eggs, potatoes and sourdough bread for breakfast. I also had an iced tea so the caffeine shut down wouldn't create more of an issue with my headbones. I went to the grocery store and bought some lunch stuff. As a generally happy person, it is very frustrating to be brought down by headaches daily. I miss out on fun! Even if I'm participating, I'm not all the way into it. It's kind of amazing how I've learned to just live with it. Like it's normal to take ibuprofen every day between 4 and 6?  No way. Not anymore. 

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I am glad to say that I did not get a headache on my zero soda day #1. Gonna stick with it. I do not drink Coke anymore. So happy to have energy and feel well.


I didn't post that post yesterday because it seems like a weird thing to post. It still kind of does, but I'll share it with you anyhow.

Zzzzzzzz

I had a dream last night that I was talking with Stefan Lessard, the bassist for The Dave Matthews Band, and we were having a friendly little conversation. Then, my phone rang and it was Dave Matthews himself. There was no polite way to walk away from the conversation with Stefan, so Dave said he'd call me back in a few. And he totally did. We talked for one while. Dream score!

(BFFs)

Call me....

Halloweenies

Oh, the festivities!

Pumpkin patching in San Martin.

I went with these two sweetie pies:

In addition to picking (huge) pumpkins, this patch touted a variety of activities such as:

A pumpkin blaster. This is a gun that shoots tiny pumpkins at targets.

Trevor was alllll 'bout it-'bout it. Shea got into it, too. 

They had a carousel which the owner had purchased for his 16 year old daughter named Sydney. I asked Trevor if he had gotten HIS daughter Sydney a carousel yet, and he said he has two more years 'til she's 16. I think, though, that if he REALLY wants to buy her a carousel for her 16th birthday, I will tactfully steer him towards purchasing her a car or an awesome computer or something sparkly. What kind of 16 year old wants a carousel? But I digress!

Those two. Boy, they really warm my heart.

Here are the Pumpkin Queens. I swear Shea likes me. 

We picked out three mammoth gourds and took them home for carving.

Shea did the spider, I carved the goblin and Trevor carved Mickey. Our jack-o-lanterns were very well received. The trick or treaters LOVED them. 

We were invited to a Halloween Party on Saturday night, and we spent all day making our costumes. Trevor's mom came along to help pick out fabric and design the costumes. She and Shea sewed Shea's skirt together while Trevor and I ran around looking for cowprint. One of my favorite days ever. All of my days are becoming my favorite days ever. I'm a lucky girl.

Here we are all gussied up- Woody, Jessie and Bo Peep.

Party time:

By the way, Shea's Bo Peep bonnet is a Dollar Tree cowboy hat cut in half.

Avery is so cute that I can't even stand it.

Jess, Adam and Hayden:

We spent our Halloween evening passing out candy to the kiddos. Hung some spooky lights and lit some spooky candles and waited in the front yard for the spooky goblins to come calling. It was a good night. Happy Halloween!

San Francisco

One lazy Saturday morning, after our pancakes and lounging, we decided to hit the road and hightail it to The City. San Francisco, that is. We were headed to a museum....and what a museum it was!

 

The whole thing took us about 2.5 hours. It is so interesting to read and listen to the things Walt Disney had to say about the company he created. Well worth the $20.00. I had already been, so while Trevor was perusing at leisure, Shea and I took a snack break. When we came back 20 minutes later, Trevor was only in the next room. THAT is how much awesome information there is to read in every nook and cranny. Not a super kid oriented museum, although they have a huge, gorgeous model of Disneyland that Shea spent a lot of time looking at. 

They had a section on the animators who went on strike. I was trying to explain to Shea what they wanted and what a strike is. After my attempts to answer her questions, she said, "Vanessa? Did Snow White go on strike?" I told her that Snow White stayed with Walt.

After the museum, we went to Pier 39 for some chow. We also watched a magic show and yours truly was called up to be a magician's assistant. I'm way important. Other items to note: Shea won 200 tickets playing Deal or No Deal at an arcade....I won 6. 

Seals

                                            Shea and her Pa.

 

Shea and I

Pictures by Trevortito.

I'll grow when you grow
Let me loosen up the blindfold
I'll fly when you cry
Lift us out of this landslide
Wherever you go
Whenever we part

I'll keep on healing all the scars
That we've collected from the start
I'd rather this than live without you
For every wish upon a star
That goes unanswered in the dark
There is a dream, I've dreamt about you

And from afar, I lie awake
Close my eyes to find I wouldn't be the same

I'll shine when you shine
Painted pictures on my mind
Sun sets on this ocean
Never once on my devotion
However you are
Or far that you're far

I'll keep on healing all the scars
That we've collected from the start
I'd rather this than live without you
For every wish upon a star
That goes unanswered in the dark
There is a dream, I've dreamt about you

And from afar, I lie awake
Close my eyes to find I'd never be the same
Without you, without you

Bridge School Benefit, 2011

 

These were our seats for The Bridge School Benefit on Saturday. So lucky.

A few months ago when they released the list of artists performing at BSB (NOT Backstreet Boys), I knew I had to go because my favorite songwriter would be there and I hadn't been able to go to any of his shows this summer. As the day neared, we had zero tickets. Tension. All we could find was stuff in the second set of reserved seats, and people wanted around $200 each! For a ticket that was originally $89.00! Sheesh.

Anyway, we tried our luck and went to the venue with no tickets. Show started at 5:00....we were in our seats at 5:10 with two awesome seats purchased at face value. Lucky lucky LUCKY. I am such a lucky girl. 

Show started with Devendra Banhart. Next was Norah Jones, who played with a band called The Little Willies. It was very old country, and right up my alley. I enjoyed her.

I can't remember the exact order after that. Beck played, acoustic. I didn't even know he had released an acoustic album. His children ran on stage and were just hanging out while he played. Cute. He was really good. 

Santana was there. I don't love Santana, but it was hard to resist his smooth, smooth sounds. I may have done some toe tapping (and standing up and dancing). His singer was great. Wonderful voice.

Mumford and Sons absolutely killed it. They know how to give a show. If I had heard them live before I heard their studio stuff, I would have been disappointed with the album.

Arcade Fire was cool. I enjoyed them. I was impressed. Lots of people in that band.

Eddie Vedder was AMAZING. His set was beautiful. I was captivated from moment one. I told Trevor I was getting sweaty because I was loving the music so much. It was true. It made me feel feelings.

And then, of course- this man:

Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds. By now, his shows feel so homey to me. Like, "Yeah- go ahead and give me what you've got, Eddie Vedder and Mumford and Sons.....but I'm gonna warn you, I made up my mind on who my favorite is a long time ago." Dave's voice was perfect, and he was as charming as ever. Such a good show.

We didn't stay to watch Neil Young's set. I had worked until 3am the night before and then woke up at 8 due to my concert excitement, so I was way tired. Went home, crawled into bed and woke up with the same happy Bridge School Benefit feelings that I'm still harboring. It was a beautiful day. Trevor was the best concert partner ever. It was our first major concert together. I was worried that he might get annoyed with me for still trying to go even though we had no tickets- but nope. He knows I like to do my thing and hustle a little, and he was fine with it. Even in the last tense 10 minutes before we got in. I was kind of freaking out, but Trevor was cool as a cucumber. Best seat buddy ever. And so very handsome!

Lucky girl. Again. 

The end. 

Well, I'm sitting on my cozy red couch and eating some tortilla chips, so I figured right now is a great time to blogaboo. It was either blog or get the chip crumbs out of my shirt. 

First things first- I watched the Kim Kardashian wedding episode today. It is one of my days off, and I was ALSO doing laundry AND letting my dogs only smell the sandwich I was eating and never letting them have any, so I consider it to be a pretty productive time in my life. I have to tell you- I don't hate the Kardashians. Seriously. I will go so far as to say it is the most watchable reality show of it's sort. I like the sister love. EENYWAYZ- Kardashian wedding. Check. 

I'm not all too sure about the diamond headband, but I bet if I had one, I'd get sure about it real quick and wear it all the time.

I never thought I'd put a picture of the Kardashian sisters on my blog either.

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Another thing I did today was go to the bank. The teller was an older woman, and she asked me how I did my hair. It was in a bun on top of my head with clips, so I said,"I just twist in and swirl it into a bun and clip it." She asked for a demo, but could I please turn around so she could see? So I had my back to the teller, playing with my hair when I accidentally made eye contact with a manager type who came over, asking if I and the teller needed help. I said, "Oh, no thanks!" =) Anyway, she walked away and the teller, without moving her lips, said, "They watch us like hawks here." 

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I also spent time with my dogs today. There can't be anything more adorable than Molly and Maddie.

Demure. 

Regal

Blah and WHINE.

 I'm still sick from last week. Not really cold sick anymore, just feeling run down in general- tired and mopey.  My ears feel all weird, and so I obviously worry about losing my hearing (like a maniac). The ear issue gives me equilibrium issues, and so I am in a state of "gonna hurl" that just won't leave me be. 

I think the answer is clear. I am going to go back to bed, sleep the wah wah wahs off and wake up feeling better. I'll go to the store, buy some healthy food, plan out my lunches and dinners....maybe go for a run or something. And the whole time I'm doing that stuff, I'll be all givin' myself positive affirmations like Stuart Smalley.

Yesterday's nap (plus waking up feeling better) had me hoping I was on my way to being done with this cold. Not so, my friends. My face hurts. It is full of snot. You can say, "Gross," but you know what I'm talking about.

I am going to buy a humidifier and hope that it helps. My Nyquil haze lasts all day and I'm ready to be present in the world again. I have an exciting life! Why, just last night Jessica and Jenny came over to hang out at my place. They deemed it "very Vanessa," and "super cute." So you see, I have a lot to be well for, like lounging in my casa, buying things for my casa, leaving my casa and then coming back to my casa.....I wanted to have a yard sale, but that turned out not to work. Let's make a list of the things this cold has changed:

BAD STUFF:
Face hurts/full of snot
Achy bod
Worried about waking up with snot on my face in front of Trevor

GOOD STUFF:
I don't have to work a full day until Sunday, so I have time to get well
Trevor offered to get me a small bowl of ice cream at 6:30am because I was feeling so yucky
Nyquil dreams give me something to think about all day (weird stuff)

Anyway, enough about that- let's look at some stuff by Mary Blair. I love it.

If I ever decorate a child's room, it will have some Mary Blair flair.

I made stew for dinner last night. It was stupid. I mean, I have made delicious stew before, and this was not that. I don't know what happened. It had carrots, zuchini, celery, potatoes, green beans, beef.....I just don't know what happened. It was bland, but seasoning was not helping. I kind of just ate it because I was hungry, and then filled up on the last of my birthday cake about an hour later.

Maybe if I only buy what's in season, it will be more delicious. Let's see. It's fall, so like......gourds? Are gourds of all types in season? I will eat raw pumpkin. It's good for the immune system, I hear. Also whitens your teeth!

I'm lying. I'm also off to go find something delicious to cook for dinner.

Rainy Rainy Rainy

I just cleaned up the last of the party stuff out back. It started raining on Monday and REALLY rained this morning, so things are pretty soggy. The cat hung out with me while I tidied up, which is funny because it was still raining. When we got back to the front door, he meowed really pitifully to be let in, as if he was forced to be out in the rain. Dum dum.

I'm feeling a little sick today- a tad sore throaty. My ears are bothering me, too. You know what's okay about that, though? I don't have to do anything today. I only work 3.5 days a week. Lucky girl.

Can't wait to get some rainboots...

29

It was my birthday! I turned 29. I don't want to seem predictable, but I was kind of a basket case for a few days before the actual day. I kept apologizing to Trevor and then turning around and being nuts again. I think I wanted everything in order before I plunged into a new age, but the problem was I didn't really know what was out of order. Just a lot of, "I thought I'd be doing this and having that when I turned 29." When October 3rd showed up, though, all of my crazies seemed like they were gone. I mean, the turning 29 crazies. The crazies that want me to eat 8 bowls of Count Chocula right now are still there.

Since my birthday fell on a Monday, we celebrated on Saturday, the 1st. That's a tricky way of saying I got TWO special days. I woke up on my birthday party morning to a knock on the bedroom door. Shea was there with a basket of rose petals, which she sprinkled at my feet everywhere I walked. Way funny and cute. She made a path that led to the bathroom, where she and Trevor had set up a candle lit bubble bath for me. Oh. My. Goodness. I hadn't taken a bubble bath in about 15 or 20 years! 

   When I was done soaking, I emerged into the living room to find they had set up quite a spread. Trevor made pancakes with toffee bits covered in ICE CREAM. I enjoyed these while relaxing in the living room hammock watching videos of Dave Matthews being projected onto the wall AND having a mimosa. My day could have ended there and still been amazing- but NO!

    After a while, we all got in the car. We dropped Shea off with her grandma, then headed north. I had no clue where we were going. We ended up in Saratoga, at the Preston Wynne Spa. Trevor surprised me with 2.5 hours of being COMPLETELY pampered. Massage, facial, quiet.... I think I fell in and out of sleep about 20 times throughout it all. So wonderful. They know what they are doing. There is not one uncomfortable moment even though you're pretty much naked on a table in front of a stranger. My two therapists were Amber and Laura. They don't know it, but I'm going to dedicate my first country album to them. They changed my life.

Anyway!


Trevor picked me up at the end of my ...... I don't even know what to call it. There might not be words wonderful enough. "Time at the spa," does not cover it at all. So anyway, he picked me up. In my car. Which had a brand new stereo in it. Crazy! He had had it installed while I was getting my rub down. It has iPod and Bluetooth capabilities. I feel so fancy driving down the street knowing all the stereo power I hold. Made me think, "Boy- I'd better go get this car a tune up or something. I want to keep it around." 

Man- it sounds like I'm just bragging. The truth is, I was overwhelmed. It was a beautiful day. And remember how I said that I had been freaking out? Well, I wigged out that morning. In fact, my waking up to the rose petals was after I had gone back to bed for a re-do on the waking up. Trevor must really like me. I was awful before that. I can't thank my lucky stars enough for that man.

   When we got home from my birthday surprise, we started getting ready for the party. SOOO many wonderful people were there. I felt special. I felt loved. I felt less spazzy about the 29 thing. We laughed, talked, ate, played games.....at the end of the evening, Trevor put Wayne's World on the big screen out back, and we sat under the stars watching it (plus some episodes of The Simpsons). What a perfect day.

BFFs. Some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. Priscilla came all the way up from LA to come to my party, and Jess and Adam took a night away from their small human to come. Love them.

Birthday cake

Cutie pies. Shea and my cousin, Azriel. Both six, both in first grade, both awesome.

Watching some flicks to end the night.

Happy birthday to me!

All pictures taken by Priscilla and my Margie Mother.

Money

I work on Sundays. In the morning, I walk over to the Greyhound Station (that's right- I work next door to the Greyhound Station) and purchase myself a newspaper. Throughout the day I read most of the sections..... but I like to save one part for when I can really sink my teeth into it. That part:

The ads.

I love to clip coupons. Sometimes I use them, sometimes they expire before I get to the store. Whatev. I feel like I'm doing myself a huge favor by cutting them out, or even knowing about the good deals out there. 

The point is this- Last night, I went to Walgreen's with my coupons and a plan. I bought 2 bottles of Windex, 1 bottle of Shout, Pantene shampoo AND conditioner, 6 bars of Irish Spring, 3 cans of tomato sauce and 3 small bottles of Palmolive for $26.74. It would have been less if I hadn't also thrown in a 2 liter of Coke. Anyway, the bill without coupons would have been $44.16. I'm feeling pretty good. 

(I know that some people manage to pay like $4.32 for all of that stuff....but I'm still happy with it).

And just for good measure, here is a picture of Shea as we left Spaghetti Factory a few weeks ago. She was saying, "I have no body! I can't walk! I'm just a head!"

Have a great day.

September 23rd

Dear Uncle Sam,


It has been one year and 2 days since I have talked to you.I don't know how it has been both the slowest and fastest year ever, but it has. 

Everybody misses you. We talk about you all the time. I know you wouldn't want us to sit around crying whenever your name is mentioned, so I try to keep it light. Some days, though....Man. I have to walk away and try to remember how it felt when I didn't know that you were gone. I guess that there are people in your life that take up space in your heart/mind, whether you are actively thinking of them or not. Heart expanders- they clear a spot in your being and make you who you are. They live there as space holders, stretching your capacity to love and respect and learn from someone. All of the other space holders build up around them as life goes on. You were one of the first people I ever loved. Family. Nobody else can understand like family can, or teach like family can. So there you are, at the center of my heart, with my mom and my dad, Nancye, Bev, Grandma Mary and my aunts and uncles and cousins. 

I would have thought that everything would crumble in if your space wasn't filled with a living, breathing, laughing you. What I didn't understand until now is that all of those other space holders keep the structure sound when one of the key pieces is gone. Your place in my life is more defined than ever. Your spot in my heart is always there. I wish I could tell you all of this to your face.

My fear is that I will forget how your voice sounds, but I guess that is normal. I'm worried that when we get together as a family tomorrow, I will REALLY miss you and not be able to keep it together. I am worried that you will be made into something other than you were. I wonder if stories will be embellished to leave out the real and quiet ways you affected all of us, and will turn you into some motorcycle badass who was always chugging Crown instead of the uncle who let me braid his hair.

My mom would want to be included in this letter. She would want me to tell you that she loves you and misses you more than she can explain. You were also one of the first people she loved. 

I wonder how the next year will be- I wonder how many things will happen that I wish I could tell you about. I miss you a ton. Hope you know how much you are loved.


Love,
Vanessa

Recent things

 Still over the moon about Trevortito.

Went to watch Trevor play baseball. His team has one game left- the CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. Go Indians!

Lemonade stand.

 We are dogsitting for five days. Meet Mugsy. Notice the background. Can you feel the tension?

I have also been spending time with Erin and Josh's little nugget of humanity. 

 
And that is all until I have time to tell you some more! Xo

From a while ago, I think.

There. If you want to know what I'm listening to right now, you got it! Good ol' Johnny Cash. 

Getting ready for a day at The Caravan.... yesterday was an odd one. Sometimes, people get touchy and angry...alcohol IS a depressant, after all.