September 23rd

Dear Uncle Sam,


It has been one year and 2 days since I have talked to you.I don't know how it has been both the slowest and fastest year ever, but it has. 

Everybody misses you. We talk about you all the time. I know you wouldn't want us to sit around crying whenever your name is mentioned, so I try to keep it light. Some days, though....Man. I have to walk away and try to remember how it felt when I didn't know that you were gone. I guess that there are people in your life that take up space in your heart/mind, whether you are actively thinking of them or not. Heart expanders- they clear a spot in your being and make you who you are. They live there as space holders, stretching your capacity to love and respect and learn from someone. All of the other space holders build up around them as life goes on. You were one of the first people I ever loved. Family. Nobody else can understand like family can, or teach like family can. So there you are, at the center of my heart, with my mom and my dad, Nancye, Bev, Grandma Mary and my aunts and uncles and cousins. 

I would have thought that everything would crumble in if your space wasn't filled with a living, breathing, laughing you. What I didn't understand until now is that all of those other space holders keep the structure sound when one of the key pieces is gone. Your place in my life is more defined than ever. Your spot in my heart is always there. I wish I could tell you all of this to your face.

My fear is that I will forget how your voice sounds, but I guess that is normal. I'm worried that when we get together as a family tomorrow, I will REALLY miss you and not be able to keep it together. I am worried that you will be made into something other than you were. I wonder if stories will be embellished to leave out the real and quiet ways you affected all of us, and will turn you into some motorcycle badass who was always chugging Crown instead of the uncle who let me braid his hair.

My mom would want to be included in this letter. She would want me to tell you that she loves you and misses you more than she can explain. You were also one of the first people she loved. 

I wonder how the next year will be- I wonder how many things will happen that I wish I could tell you about. I miss you a ton. Hope you know how much you are loved.


Love,
Vanessa