Russian River

A trip to the Russian River brewing company-

We started out early from good ol' San Jose, and drove a couple hours north to this brewery that Trevor's friend Todd suggested. It was way crowded, but we managed to snag a table out front while we waited and sipped on some Belgian sour beers. This all happened in like August, by the way. We played some games of rummy and listened to the really loud group of guy friends next to us who thought that any joke about being gay was REALLY funny. It was REALLY not funny. 

A leather jacket clad pompadour rolled up on his low rider bicycle soon after and parked near where another patio customer had tethered their dog. The bike had a boombox tied to it. We were treated to the sounds of oldies intermingled with the conversation of the loud guys and whatever was playing on the speakers overhead from the brewery. Summertime magic.

The buzzer buzzed- table time! You know how that goes. Inside, we were seated at a table next to the bar. The whole place was packed. We ordered a sampler of like 16 tiny beers to try and an appetizer of veggies and dips and whatnot. It was divine. I discovered that I really do not like many beers. Sour ales, delicious. IPA- nope.

After our meal, we dipped into the bookstore across the street. I found a book about how to be a cool step parent, but then I tried to put it down all quick so Trevor wouldn't see me read it. Don't ask why. I couldn't tell you. It's like when you ask a 7 year old why they don't want strawberries (which they love!) in their lunch- there is just no real reason that I did not want my boyfriend to see me looking at the book. Besides, from what I gleaned, I'm on the right track anyhow. Most step parent advice is like: "Don't try to be mom!" (no doy) and, "Don't discipline!" (who wants to anyway?) and, "Teach the kids how to give you really great back rubs!" (Shea allllllready knows).

Armed with our books, we asked directions to the sweetest and most chill place to enjoy the Russian River while we read. This is what we found:

We unfolded our double camping chair (think portable love seat) and read until the sun was almost down. Then we drove home. 

Sweet day trips. 

Me Me Me Me Me Me

I'm nearly 30, you guys. How did this go by so quickly? I feel like I was just sitting in a car in the parking lot of Chevy's with my boyfriend, telling him that 29 was FREAKING ME OUT and that I "needed" to know what was in store for myself- would I have babies? Would I be successful? Were my millions on their way? Will I lose the ability to forget myself every once in a while and just be free and fun??

I am happy to report that, although 29 was difficult in so many ways, it was also THE BEST. I am me- and I am amazing. I do well. I have a job, I have a home, I have love. I am so pleased with myself these days, and here is why: 

I have let go. I have stopped worrying over things that are not my own. It is astounding how paramount that was to my health! Literally, my body was not functioning properly due to stress. I said, "Forget this!" I started running. I went to see my favorite band. I made lunch and dinner and sitting around plans with friends. I went to Palm Springs with my girlfriends. I refinished a dresser that has been staring at me for almost a year. I went to see a movie alone. I bought new shoes. I make sure my boyfriend knows how happy he makes me. I grocery shop. I eat more fruits and vegetables. I have lost 5 lbs!

My plans are big. I want to get some sort of degree. I want to write a book. I want to listen to more new music. I want to paint and I want to play my guitar and sing. I want to save money and have a little nest egg. I want to be a good partner. I want to travel.

I'm gonna do all that stuff.

I have to remember that I can't succeed for someone else.....they have to succeed on their own.

Life gets hard.

I think I'm scared. 

 I have this anxiety hanging over me that has me by the roller coaster nerves (the ones that spike right before you get on California Screamin' or whatever). Do I feel like I'm in for a roller coaster ride? Maybe, I guess. I just don't know! Maybe I have it so good that I feel like the world has to crumble a little to make me pay for it. I just feel like I don't do ENOUGH to deserve what I have.


What can I do? Why am I a little bit terrified? Ugh. I must be nuts.

 

I have been sleeping like crud lately. I am happy to announce, however, that I SLEPT FOR 10 HOURS LAST NIGHT! 

I feel amazing! I could do ANYTHING! 

Sweet relief...maybe my face will stop looking like I haven't slept in 13 years. This is a huge deal, you guys. 

P.S. I ran out of my soap and used Trevor's. I probably smell like a man. 

May 27

Trevor met me after work yesterday. We walked past the convention center where there were tons of kids and 20 somethings in costume for FanimeCon. You know, the fanime convention? We ate ears of street vendor corn and watched the parade of props, fake ears and blue wigs pass by. We walked down South First Street and knocked on the back door of Gallery AD. Brian (one of the owners) came to greet us. We watched the latest art being installed and talked about the upcoming SubZero festival. 

Trevor and I wandered to Original Joe's and waited for a table while tending to a couple of drinks. The waiter was nice, but never brought us the free ice cream that he had promised due to our steak being more medium rare than medium well (he noticed, we said not a word). 

The breeze was colder when we walked back to The Caravan, and there were less fanime costumes out to look at. We stepped inside the bar for a moment...we left as Angel was settling a dispute about the order of the waiting list for the pool table. I hopped into Swamp Thing, our new (old) 1975 Dodge truck with Trevor, and he drove me about 15 yards to my own car, where I hopped in and drove myself to Campbell.

We met at home. We watched a movie. I was treated to a back rub. We went to bed, happy. Maybe holding hands. Maybe that part was in the morning? Can't be sure.

It was a wonderful evening.

A thing we do:

We (Trevor, Shea and I) had a Family Appreciation Night on Wednesday. We made a list of what we consider valuable in our household. Things that we lean on and depend on, as well as extras that make our family special. 

I am happy to report that honesty was on every single list. Yesssss. We're all agreed that telling the truth is the supreme best thing you can do. Might not be able to teach that to the rest of the world, but at least we know that Shea gets it! The lists:

Honesty

Respect

Trying your hardest

Reading together

Being proud of each other

Being nice

Accuracy (that one was Shea's, and is kind of funny)
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Also, here is a link you may have seen on Pinterest. I re-read it every so often, and maybe you would like to read it, too.

15 Things You Should Give Up In Order To Be Happy 
 

Monday

Words I will probably never use in a serious capacity:

Fashionista
Foodie
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi. How's your day going? Today went like this: Woke up at 7. Laundry, tidying, dog snuggling.

Got to work at 10. Didn't sell a thing until 11 or so. Swept the floor in the break room, disinfected the door handle. Ate. Hung out with people. Asked someone to leave due to very loud singing. He was not happy. I was not happy with his singing.

Got home at 6:15. Went with Trevor to his mama's house real quick, then to Fry's to look at computers. Then to Staples to compare. I tripped on the way in. I kicked a raised part of the sidewalk so hard that it jarred my leg and back, and now my hip hurts and I feel silly. 

Went back to Fry's. Raised my budget. Looked at computers again. Got one! And a printer! Yahoo!

Went to Red Robin for dinner. I took my new computer into the restaurant with us because I did not want to get it stolen from the car. Received free meal + $20 gift card due to terrible service at RR....we'll be going back. They did everything right (after messing up to begin with). 

Came home. Snuggled Harvey. Snuggled Maybe. Opened new computer. Commenced internetting. Watched 30 Rock on Hulu. And here. I. Am. 

Goodnight.

The Perfect Evening

Yesterday: Woke up, hung out with love of my life while he got ready for work. Laughed. Lived in my happy bubble for about an hour. After he went to work, I got into some reading material that hurt my heart in a very personal way. Became bummed out. 

(I KNEW what I was reading would hurt me. Still deciding if I should ever read anything sent by this person again)

Had lunch, talked with Jess. Felt way better. I love Jessica. She is one of the best people on the planet. If you know her, you're lucky.I talk her ear off about the same thing over and over, and she lets me jabber on anyway. She is the best. 

Went to Stratford for Drama Club. Trevor and I run a performance workshop for 1st-5th graders. His idea/brain baby, but I assist in any way I can. I found Mad Lib-style children's scripts. The kids filled out the words to classic stories, then picked a puppet. Trevor and I read the scripts out loud and did all of the different voices while the children performed onstage in the puppet theater. The parents were laughing, the kids had a GREAT time. My favorite mad lib line? From Little ________ Riding Hood:

"Oh no! Mr. Penguin! Are you sick in bed with diabetes?"

After drama, went home to meet up with Trevor and Shea. Shea was excited about her new biker shorts she wore for dance. I used to get pretty excited about biker shorts when I was 7, also- except mine were neon pink. I wore them with my L.A. Gears. 

We went out to dinner with our roommates. Everyone was hurling math facts at Shea because her homework was to practice her math facts any way you want. That's pretty fun homework. We all quizzed her, then Trevor found a math app on his iPhone for Shea to play, THEN she and Trevor sang math facts while she was in the tub and THEN we made cards with multiplication problems on them to hang above her bed. Way more fun than a fact sheet, so way to go, school! They also never give first graders more than 20 minutes of homework per night. So awesome. 

After bath, a cartoon and some reading, Shea went to bed and Trevor and I got to lay around talking. It was a good day. The perfect day for me, anyway. It was exactly what I needed. It dawned on me that I will not love any less than I do right now, ever in my life. 

My role is an odd one, but many women make it work...Women who love men who are divorced, or have children with other people. Someone has tried to use my love against me- as if Trevor does not love his children as much simply because I also love them now. Love does not work that way. I am allowed to express the way I care about family, even if someone I would have never chosen to know has an opinion about that. I will continue to pack lunches and brush hair and let Shea know that I love her so much. My love will never hurt her.

5 months

On October 3rd, I will be 30 years old. I have decided to also be in the healthiest of my life. Strong! Fast! Full of energy! This is exciting. My first plan of action is to buy some running shoes this week. And a yoga mat. And a DVD that shows me how to do some yoga.

Here is a picture of my dog and his best friend, Rita.

I have always felt like being an astronaut would be awful. Scary, isolated, oppressive, dark. No way out, you know? I do not ever want to be an astronaut.

I only work 3 days a week, usually, plus a 4 hour shift on Friday nights. This leaves me with plenty of time to round up my thoughts and attack or relish whatever tasks I have given myself. Today, I pulled weeds out of the dog run. A LOT of weeds. I filled the whole green garbage can with them, and I feel great about it. We are dogsitting and the 2 pooches have been running around like crazy...it's nice to have a place to banish them to when the romping gets too intrusive.

I'm expecting a new comforter to be delivered any day now. It is sweet. 


-This blog post has been brought to you by Vanessa, who is trying to get into the swing of blogging again. 

Coming soon: Easter! Riverside trip! Disneyland with Isabella! New iPhone photos!
 

The day before Valentine's Day

First off- it is raining and I love that.

Secondly- Trevor and I had our mothers over for dinner last night, and my heart is still warm from how nice it was to be able to visit with them. Trevor has a french cookbook that he is working his way through. I love that my boyfriend can cook. What a lucky girl.

Thirdly- A couple weeks ago, I had this big plan to take one picture per day and post it, for 365 days. I kind of started, but then I forgot about it. Here's some that I remembered to take. I am not actually in any of them. 

Trevor and I drove to Sausalito to kick it. I love a lil' road trip with the one I love. We  bummed around the water front touristy area. I ate ice cream, we looked in shops, we stopped into a restaurant to have a soda at their neato bar. It was a pretty romantic day. Isn't holding hands and taking a walk swell?

Nextly, here are Trevor and Shea at Pioneer's cheer clinic. Kiddos get to go play with the high school cheerleaders and perform at a basketball halftime. Amy (of Gunderson Cheer fame) ran the whole thing, so I knew it would be a great experience for Shea.

 
On the way to the game, Shea told me that being a cheerleader was her "dream come true!" I'm pretty pumped that she was into it since cheer was so special for me. Shea had the biggest cheering section there! Trevor's whole family came to watch her.

Here are Rosa and Trevor in the studio:

I have such a crush on how much Trevor enjoys doing music stuff. On this night, he recorded a song that Rosa had written. We all had a lovely evening of friendship and eating some chicken. 

As for me, last night was the first time in longer than a week that I haven't needed some sort of cough medicine just to get some sleep. I've been pretty sick. Shea was sick, too. Saturday was declared a "pursue your quiet hobbies" day around our house. My quiet hobby was sleeping. Even now, I'm still pretty tired. Being sick really takes it outta ya, am I right!?!

Anyway, I'm armed with some orange juice and oatmeal before I head off to work. Hope you all have a lovely day. Exes and Ohs.

A chat with Trevor

me:  Most of the oreos are gone

Trevor:  so true

me:  Have they died at your hand?

Trevor:  they have been reborn as suppressed toots.

the ones that lived right, that is

Ears and Stuff

I met Trevor for a picnic lunch at the park near his work yesterday. I also took Harvey. Harvey (who is our awesome dog, in case you didn't know) got something in his ear at the park.

I couldn't see what it was, because it was way down in there, so we made a vet appointment after Harvey kept shaking his head and being a bugaboo to his ear. 

So, at 9:40 this morning, Harvey and I waltzed into the vet's office like no biggie. The vet looked in Harv's ear and definitely saw something that needs to come out ("They put something in there."- Trevor). BUUUUT since Harvey squirmed too much and wouldn't let them do their thang, it was decided that he needs to be sedated to get this hanger-on out of his earhole. 

I signed the release form promising them my money (ergh), and then gave Harvey many hugs. He hugged me back with his little puppy arms around my neck. He was totally trying to hide his face from the vet. Then I went out to fill out the form with the contact info for when he was done. Then I proceeded to cry all over it.  The ladies at the desk were saying, "It's ok. He'll be fine...it's just a little sedative, and we'll get that stuff out of his ear." I bet the people in the waiting room thought I had just put my dog down. And while it was nice that the receptionists were being kind, I was kind of like, "Shhh....these other people are going to know I'm crying because my dog needs tweezers taken to his ear vistors." 

Gosh, I was so lame. It's BECAUSE Harvey is a rescue- his last owners rescued him from the pound and then returned him two months later. He then stayed there for 4-5 more months before we adopted him. I don't want him to think I ditched him. 

They promised they would call when he is all done. I know he is fine. I just want to go back and pick my dog up!

The end.

 Edit: Not the end- I picked Harvey up a mere two point five hours after what I refer to as "The Drop Off." He had a foxtail in his ear.


Exhibit A:

On this day, my brain says

You've got to love to be loved.

Something to remember. I think I try to whine for affection sometimes...then I remember that I need to supply something to get something back. 

I think this might work with everyone, not just a partner.

If you're a turd to people, and then yell, "LOVE ME!"....it ain't gonna work. Give a lil' lovin' and a lil' kindness. MmmmmMM.

Facetime

Shea just called Trevor on Facetime.

Picnic

I  met Trevor for lunch today. I made us sandwiches and packed us some pickles and cheese and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Wheat Thins. Then I picked him up and we went to a park near his school and spread out a sheet to eat on. It was on a table, but I still spread the sheet out. I'm very traditional. I had felt a teensy bit of trepidation on my way to get him.....it feels like we only talk about hard things lately. Not because we want to, but because getting out of this muddled mess is all either one of us can think of. I miss lightheartedness. I miss happiness. Perhaps this has been some huge test to see if we can hang. Well, we can. One thing is for sure- our love for each other has grown. Loving Trevor is completely easy, and so is standing by him while he deals with what he has to face in the near future.

Now I'm thinking about the hard, unfair near future.... Blah.

While we ate, Trevor told me about his time at DeAnza, where he was taking music classes and physics classes and learning things he loved to learn. I realized again, like I always know in the back of my mind, that I need to get back into classes and move forward with life. The past 6 weeks have felt like a standstill. I am so ready to focus on making my life better- on moving forward and protecting whatever Trevor and I build together. Did I mention I have become a bit fierce in my desire to double check EVERYTHING to make sure we don't get screwed over again, ever? 

As we were talking, I asked Trevor what was going on in his life while he was in school. As he explained, it kind of dawned on me that when Trevor was taking music classes at DeAnza 10 years ago, I was taking music classes at West Valley. I didn't attend DeAnza because of traffic on 85 in the mornings. I was into the quarter system, but West Valley was closer. I sort of wish I had met him then and had him for a friend for a whole 10 years.

So anyway, now I'm all into inspirational quotes and trying to find the peace within and all of that other stuff I never needed to access until now. I guess life has been pretty easy so far, huh? Now, as Trevor says- we build on rock. No more building on sand. This is the real deal.

I know I told you guys that things have been rough in our house. Well, we don't get to see Shea as much as we used to anymore. We get her on Wednesdays and every other weekend. She used to be here every other day. I know. Tears. Sadness. Aching chest. That is our life around here. Ugh. My heart breaks. It breaks for me, but more for Trevor and Shea. 

The hardest part is that now that Shea is not here as often, I feel like I am intruding on time that Trevor and Shea should be spending together. As if my presence somehow makes their time together less special. Neither one of them has given me a reason to feel that way, I just can't help it. I want them to be happy so badly, and I can see that they aren't. It isn't because of me- it is because of the new schedule, but I still feel like I should leave them alone. So, I try to back off. I try to leave to go to the grocery store, or have them go grab dinner together and just bring something back for me. You know, because, "Oh, I have to get this and that done anyhow- you two go ahead!" It doesn't always work- Shea is usually quick with a suggestion of how we could all just do things together if I did X and Y later, and she helps when we get home, and Daddy can do this and that while we do X and Y. So, we do things together and I'm happy about it. I just like to give them (Trevor) the option of time alone with Shea. 

Really, I would love for it to be how it was 6 weeks ago. I wish everyone could be happy with that situation, but that isn't the case, so the lives of everyone got changed. 


Also, I've heard, "You're not my MOM," a few times in these past 6 weeks. No doy, kiddo. That's what I say. "No doy! I don't have any kids. That's why I boss you and Bella and your dad and the cat and the dog around!" Just joking. But I do say, "Of course I'm not your mom. I'm your friend. Your friend who is way bigger than you, and can put pepper in your sandwiches." Nah. I don't say that either. I just worry that brushing it off isn't the right thing. I mean, I acknowledge it in a silly way. Something like, "I know you are not my child. All of MY children have platypus faces." Or "No kidding! I'm too old to be a mother! I'm 97 years old!" Or, "You're not MY mom!" She laughs and I don't make a big deal of it. She always pulls that card when she is testing my grit, ya know? Like, how far is this woman going to go with this eating my carrots biz? The answer is: Not far. I can refuse anything that involves me having to perform a task. I don't cut crusts off (never have- the poor children I nanny learn that early on). I don't tie shoes unless we're in a super hurry. But I won't force her to do anything.

I love Shea. I love Trevor. I want to be happy again. I feel like if life continues this way, I never will be. Even if it somehow starts to sting less- if the memory of how good it was when Shea was happy all the time starts to fade, and this new situation is all we have ever known- There will still be a part of me that will be sad. I have considered therapy. Trevor has looked into grief counseling. Things are bad. I wish every day that this will get better. That I will be able to fall asleep without thinking about how sad it is that Shea has been pulled out of her home, that Trevor won't have to go to work knowing that he won't see his daughter for a week. I wanted to cry while I made her lunch today. I wanted to cry when she hugged me hard because we won't see her for 7 days. Shea, of course, doesn't know that I feel that way. To her I said, "Aw! We don't have to be bummed! I'll see you SO soon!" But my heart felt as sad as her lower lip looked. 

I wish there was something I could do. What can I do? I am seriously seeking advice here. How will I know that I will feel better? How much energy will I have given to being angry and sad by the time this is settled? And when it IS "settled," the chances are high that it still won't be as good as it was before. How will I cope with that?  

I am sad. I am desperate to stay the person I was before this. I am determined to keep from growing bitter. I will work to keep my integrity intact- to never lie to get what I want, to never steal from anyone. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the memory of the person I was before I knew I could be this angry.