Cash in a shoebox.

I know I told you guys that things have been rough in our house. Well, we don't get to see Shea as much as we used to anymore. We get her on Wednesdays and every other weekend. She used to be here every other day. I know. Tears. Sadness. Aching chest. That is our life around here. Ugh. My heart breaks. It breaks for me, but more for Trevor and Shea. 

The hardest part is that now that Shea is not here as often, I feel like I am intruding on time that Trevor and Shea should be spending together. As if my presence somehow makes their time together less special. Neither one of them has given me a reason to feel that way, I just can't help it. I want them to be happy so badly, and I can see that they aren't. It isn't because of me- it is because of the new schedule, but I still feel like I should leave them alone. So, I try to back off. I try to leave to go to the grocery store, or have them go grab dinner together and just bring something back for me. You know, because, "Oh, I have to get this and that done anyhow- you two go ahead!" It doesn't always work- Shea is usually quick with a suggestion of how we could all just do things together if I did X and Y later, and she helps when we get home, and Daddy can do this and that while we do X and Y. So, we do things together and I'm happy about it. I just like to give them (Trevor) the option of time alone with Shea. 

Really, I would love for it to be how it was 6 weeks ago. I wish everyone could be happy with that situation, but that isn't the case, so the lives of everyone got changed. 


Also, I've heard, "You're not my MOM," a few times in these past 6 weeks. No doy, kiddo. That's what I say. "No doy! I don't have any kids. That's why I boss you and Bella and your dad and the cat and the dog around!" Just joking. But I do say, "Of course I'm not your mom. I'm your friend. Your friend who is way bigger than you, and can put pepper in your sandwiches." Nah. I don't say that either. I just worry that brushing it off isn't the right thing. I mean, I acknowledge it in a silly way. Something like, "I know you are not my child. All of MY children have platypus faces." Or "No kidding! I'm too old to be a mother! I'm 97 years old!" Or, "You're not MY mom!" She laughs and I don't make a big deal of it. She always pulls that card when she is testing my grit, ya know? Like, how far is this woman going to go with this eating my carrots biz? The answer is: Not far. I can refuse anything that involves me having to perform a task. I don't cut crusts off (never have- the poor children I nanny learn that early on). I don't tie shoes unless we're in a super hurry. But I won't force her to do anything.

I love Shea. I love Trevor. I want to be happy again. I feel like if life continues this way, I never will be. Even if it somehow starts to sting less- if the memory of how good it was when Shea was happy all the time starts to fade, and this new situation is all we have ever known- There will still be a part of me that will be sad. I have considered therapy. Trevor has looked into grief counseling. Things are bad. I wish every day that this will get better. That I will be able to fall asleep without thinking about how sad it is that Shea has been pulled out of her home, that Trevor won't have to go to work knowing that he won't see his daughter for a week. I wanted to cry while I made her lunch today. I wanted to cry when she hugged me hard because we won't see her for 7 days. Shea, of course, doesn't know that I feel that way. To her I said, "Aw! We don't have to be bummed! I'll see you SO soon!" But my heart felt as sad as her lower lip looked. 

I wish there was something I could do. What can I do? I am seriously seeking advice here. How will I know that I will feel better? How much energy will I have given to being angry and sad by the time this is settled? And when it IS "settled," the chances are high that it still won't be as good as it was before. How will I cope with that?  

I am sad. I am desperate to stay the person I was before this. I am determined to keep from growing bitter. I will work to keep my integrity intact- to never lie to get what I want, to never steal from anyone. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the memory of the person I was before I knew I could be this angry.